This guide was made by kirbywiggin and she deserves all the credit for it. happy

~*~*~*~*~*~*~ Ultimate Guide to Love ~*~*~*~*~*~*~

What is it? How does it work? Are these feelings of love? How can I show her that I love her? Why am I afraid of love? Why do I feel these things? Why can't I get over him? Can love truly last?

I hope that by the end of this guide you will have a clearer understanding to the answers to some of these questions. - <(^_^)>


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~*~*~ Infatuation versus Love ~*~*~

Many people confuse feelings of infatuation with feelings of love. Throughout this guide, these two feelings will be expanded upon and refined, but here is a general guide to their differences. Please note that some of these distinctions are slight and not everyone will feel the exact same way.


Infatuation


Love





~*~*~ Styles of Love ~*~*~

Love is rarely (maybe even never) stable. It will fluctuate. Your own style of love may fluctuate throughout your life, and you may even have a different style of love with different people or in different stages of the same relationship.

One popular theory, created by sociologist John Lee, describes six different styles:


Eros Love: Refers to the romantic love that has tremendous passion, physical longing, deep intensity, and intimacy.

Ludus Love: Called the playful love. It is like the love of a knight for a princess. There are playful interactions here but little intimacy or deep intensity.

Storge Love: Exemplifies friendship-based love. There is strong companionship and shared values here but little physical intimacy.

Pragma Love: A combination of storge and ludus love. It refers to practical or logical love in which someone actively searches for a partner with certain characteristics.

Mania Love: A combination of eros and ludus love. It is also known as the troubled or obsessive love. This love has jealousy and dependence (often called co-dependency), great intensity, some intimacy, and many psychological symptoms related to the relationship.

Agape Love: Also a blend of two other types of love, eros and storge. This is the love of altruism, of giving without asking anything in return, and of sacrificing oneself for one's partner. Many would consider it to be the purest form of love. It is much easier to love humankind than an individual in this way.

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Another one, created by Robert Sternberg, is called the Triangular Theory of Love. According to his theory, love is composed of three elements: Intimacy, passion, and decision/commitment. Each of these elements can be enlarged or diminished during the course of a relationship. And each element or combination of elements produces a different kind of love:


Nonlove: None of the elements.

Liking: Intimacy only. It forms the basis for close friendships but is not passionate or committed. Even so, liking is often an enduring kind of love. (Ex. Friendships)

Infatuation: Passion only. It is marked by sudden passion and a high degree of physical and emotional arousal. It tends to be obsessive and all-consuming. However, this passion is rarely returned equally. (Ex. Crushes, love at first sight, or some affairs)

Romantic love: Intimacy and passion. It is similar to liking except that it is more intense because of the physical or emotional attraction. It may begin as a friendship that intensifies into passion, a passion that also develops intimacy, or with the immediate union of the two components. (Ex. Dating relationships with no real commitment)

Companionate love: Intimacy and commitment. This is essential to a committed friendship. It also begins as romantic love, but transforms into companionate love as passion diminishes and intimacy increases. Some couples are satisfied with such love; others are not and may end the relationship or seek extrarelational affairs. (Ex. Good friends or married couples who no longer have passion for each other)

Fatuous love: Passion and commitment. This is the whirlwind love. Two people meet and the relationship develops quickly, resulting in cohabitation or engagement, and then marriage. Most of the time, the passion fades quickly, and all that is left is commitment. But that also fades with neither passion nor intimacy to help it endure. (Ex. Couples who quickly commit based on passion alone - often portrayed in Disney movies)

Empty love: Decision/commitment only. Some cultures will arrange marriages for financial or social reasons. Individuals will sometimes choose to marry for money or to please their family. This love also sometimes results in married couples who have lost either intimacy or passion or both, but stay together for the children, religion, society, etc. (Ex. Arranged marriages or deeply committed marriages)

Consummate love: Intimacy, passion, and commitment. It is the pinnacle of love, the kind we dream about. It takes work to maintain, which is why it is rare. Many expect this of their love relationships, but are often naive in that they expect it to last forever without actively maintaining each of the components. (Ex. You and your partner, hopefully!)

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The Attachment Theory looks at the way that infant/caregiver attachment and romantic love share similar emotional dynamics.


Infant/CareGiver Attachment


Romantic Love

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The core elements of love appear to be the same for children as they are for adults in that they both need to feel emotionally safe and secure. And the attachments created in childhood can often continue on through adulthood.


Secure attachments: Adults with this type of attachment find it relatively easy to get close to other people. They feel comfortable and depending on others and having other depend on them, without worrying frequently about abandonment or getting too close to someone. Their love experiences tend to be happy, friendly, and trusting. They find greater satisfaction and commitment in their relationships than those with other attachment styles.

Anxious/ambivalent attachments: They often worry that their partners don't really love them or would leave them. They find it easier to fall in love, but feel as if their partner did not get as close to them as they themselves want. Their love experiences tend to be marked with obsessiveness, jealousy, and high degrees of sexual attraction. Their relationships tend to last about half as long as those with secure attachments.

Avoidant attachments: They are often distrustful and fearful of being dependent and will feel discomfort in being too close to other people. They tend to believe that romance seldom lasts. They usually run into problems when their partner wants more closeness than they do. They fear intimacy and experience jealous, as well as emotional highs and lows. Their relationships tend to last a bit longer than those with anxious/ambivalent attachments.

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The Attachment Theory can also be applied to unrequited love, which also has several distinct styles:


The Cyrano Style: This is the desire to have a romantic relationship with a specific person regardless of how hopeless that love is. People with this style believe that the benefits of having that person's love are so great that it does not matter how unlikely it is that the love will be returned. Being in the person's presence may be sufficient. This style is named after Cyrano de Bergerac, a whose love for Roxanne was so great that he felt it was irrelevant that she loved someone else. Anxious/ambivalent adults tend to have this style and are also the most likely to experience unrequited love.

The Giselle Style: This is the incorrect perception that a relationship is more likely to develop than it actually is. This might occur when a person misinterprets signals, such as believing that friendliness or kindness is a sign of love. This style is named after Giselle, a ballet heroine who was misled by Count Albrecht to believe that her love was reciprocated. Secure adults tend to have this style and are the least likely to experience unrequited love.

The Don Quixote Style: This is the general desire to be in love, regardless of whom it is. A person with this style will feel that the benefits of being in love are more important than actually being in a relationship. This style is named after Cervantes Don Quixote, whose love for Dulcinea was motivated by his need to dedicate knightly deeds to a lady love. Avoidant adults tend to have this style.




~*~*~ Languages of Love ~*~*~

1. Words of Appreciation
2. Acts of Service
3. Gift Giving/Receiving
4. Quality Time
5. Physical Touch


It is important to understand what your primary love language is, and even more important to communicate it to your partner and understand what his or her love language is. A woman may be loved, but not feel loved because her partner is speaking in a different love language. And she may show her partner her love over and over by performing acts of service or saying words of appreciation. But her partner may still not feel that love because her partner is looking for quality time or physical touch.

It is also important to note that your primary love language may change over time, or even with different partners. And that while your method of showing and receiving love will most likely be the same, it will not necessarily be so. Also, just because one language of love is your primary one does not mean that you don't want or need any of the others.

Questions to help you discover your primary language

Questions to help you discover your loved one's primary language

Of course, the best way would be to ask them. They might already know. Or if not, they could certainly help you figure it out.

And most importantly, be sure to understand the differences between males and females. Men are not necessarily showing love or interest when they are physically intimate with you. They tend to bond on an emotional level. Whereas women are not necessarily showing love or interest when they are emotionally intimate with you. They tend to bond on a physical level. Understanding this can save a lot of confusion about "mixed signals", and also help you to be cautious about sending them yourself.

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Words of Appreciation
Tell them that you love them. They need to hear it. Encourage them and try to see the world from their perspective. Transform all demands into requests. Try to think about how it would sound to you, or to someone else who was watching. Tone is important. And make sure to speak well of them even when they're not in your presence. Hurtful words may come back to them, whereas kind words will make them feel even better when they know that you said it even when they weren't there to witness it.

Acts of Service
Do things that you know they want you to do. Try making a list. Be specific as well as practical. Surprise them by doing one or more of these things, such as making dinner so they don't have to or doing the dishes because it is something they particularly dislike doing.

Gift Giving
Take the effort to show your love through giving gifts. Find out what they want. You could try making it habitual, such as bringing home flowers every Friday or their favorite magazine when it comes out. Or you could be spontaneous by leaving a note or their favorite chocolate in their briefcase or on their pillow. It doesn't have to be anything big or expensive. It's the thought that counts.

Quality Time
Take time to be with them. Make sure your time together filled quality conversation or activities and is not rushed. Give them your undivided attention for that period of time. Schedule a time, maybe even a set time every day or week, if needed.

Physical Touch
Touch them. This doesn't have to be sexual. Hug them. Hold their hand while walking. Put your arm around them while watching a movie, even if you don't get anything from it. Touch their face and head. Groom and massage them. Hold them when they are in need of comfort. Stand close to them, especially during special events or activities.




~*~*~ Chemistry of Love ~*~*~

Chemicals of Lust

Testosterone: A steroid hormone from the androgen group that is the principal male sex hormone, but is also secreted by females. It causes lust and desire and also compels people to pursue the object of their desire. This chemical often increases in males by about one-third when they are conversing with a female stranger and are higher in single men than married men or fathers.

Estrogen: A steroid hormone that functions as the primary female sex hormone, but is also secreted by males. This, coupled with other chemicals of love, can increase a woman's desire for intercourse. It plays a big role in a woman's body scent, which is said to be the largest factor of attraction for males, in particular, and also increases during orgasm.

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Chemicals of Infatuation/Attraction

Phenylethylamine: Also known as the "love molecule". Causes the "high" of being in love, which includes heady emotions, racing pluses, sweaty palms, shaky knees, restlessness, euphoria, increased energy, and heavy breathing. Clinically, these things happen when your body experiences an overdose of this chemical. Its release from the brain are triggered by such simple things as looking at or touching the object of your desire. It is also found in chocolate (particularly dark chocolate), which might explain why they are often given as gifts on Valentine's Day.

Norepinephrine: A neurotransmitter that mediates chemical communication in the sympathetic nervous system. Causes sweaty palms and a pounding heart when higher than normal levels are secreted during infatuation.

Dopamine: A neurotransmitter that influences movement, learning, attention, and emotion. Contributes to the rush felt during infatuation and also reinforces natural rewards, such as eating, drinking, and having sex. Such drugs as cocaine and amphetamine elevate levels of dopamine. Perhaps these will someday also be given as gifts on Valentine's Day.

Serotonin: A neurotransmitter that affects mood, hunger, sleep, and arousal. Unlike other attraction chemicals, this one actually drops when a person initially falls in love. Interestingly enough, people with obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD) are also lower in serotonin. This is no coincidence - it is the lack of the this chemical that causes people to fixate on the object of their desire in the same way that people with OCD fixate on their compulsion. People low in this chemical also tend to be more sexually active than those with normal levels.

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Chemicals of Attachment/Love

Endorphins: The continued presence, intimacy, and dependability of a loved one can stimulate the production of this chemical. It is not as exciting, but also not as stressful as the attraction chemicals. It is also more addictive. The absence of this causes long-time lovers to yearn for each other and also plays a part in the grief of losing a partner.

Oxytocin: An amino acid hormone whose function is to facilitate lactation, uterine contraction, and maternal behavior. It is released by both males and females during orgasm and from touching. This chemical seems to exist in higher amounts in those who are in committed, stable, and close relationships. It is one that persists even after the honeymoon chemicals have worn off.

Vassopressin: Also known as the "monogamy chemical". It is a hormone whose primary function is to regulate extracellular fluid volume by affecting the handling of water in the kidneys. Certain receptors are found in monogamous mammals in the reward regions (ventral pallidum) of the brain. These are stimulated during sex and cause them to become "addicted", and thus loyal, to their mate. Humans are not, however, one of the 3% of naturally monogamous mammals.

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Understanding how these chemicals affect you can help you distinguish which phase of love you are in. You can also stop yourself from making rash decisions based on the way these chemicals make you feel. A marriage cannot be sustained from the chemicals of lust or infatuation, so it's best not to rush into things. Most of the euphoria and obsessiveness begins to fade after 3-6 months. However, it can be 2-4 years before all the other effects disappear. Two years is the recommended time period to wait if you don't want your decisions regarding commitment to be affected by these chemicals. This is also a good minimum for the time needed to get to know a person.

Also, beware! If you notice that you lose interest in relationships at about the same time that these chemicals begin to wear off, you just might be a chemical junky. This addiction to the infatuation chemicals could prevent you from forming committed relationships and will get harder and harder to satisfy the longer you keep up the habit. It might also cause you to be unfaithful to your partner. Women, especially, are often unprepared to deal with the issue of infidelity because they do not feel as if lust is an issue for them. But both sexes are susceptible to the chemicals of infatuation.




~*~*~ For Fun ~*~*~

love Chinese Zodiac/Astrology and Love

love The Love Calculator

love 100 Question Love Test

love How to Make a Love Potion

love Kids on Love






<(^_^)> Other guides by kirbywiggin <(^_^)>

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